better than ever!!!!!!!!!!

i am a survivor of domestic violance . yes ive been in the hospital in the chicago area sence september now... its been a trying time seeing how mike and stan have lyed to all of my friends and sayd all these crazy things about me. i have been crying alot and seem to have nobody to talk to at times but there is always god...... i have been beetin raped had money stolen took a bus with only 30 $ to my name knowing i would be homeless in the end and was hoping those friends i loved very much would at least be there for me to talk to when i needed them. but i relize they have there own issues too and this was just anouther battle for me to do alone... but im much stronger now than i was. though yes im in a group home with 6 other women who have also been abused. im going back to school and reestablishing my life. i am learning im happyer than i ever was and thats better than anything i ever had before..... thank you god for the amazing strength you've given me i love u soo..

Learning to be a survivor

Learning to be a survivor.... is never a easy chore.
but you have to learn to turn your pain and anger around
and put it into energy you can use to turn yourself around and tell yourself
your not the problem the problem is with those who attack you and fail to understand..
Forget the past and just stick to those few who do value your friendship more than the others..

thought for the day.

For today only do not anger,
do not worry.
Be grateful and do your work with appreciation,
For this is Spiritual Awakening.
Be kind to all living things.

In the morning and at night, With hands held in prayer,
Think this with your mind, Chant this with your mouth.
Keep good intentions in your heart.

my spiritual journey

here i am stranded and alone
i push myself up after I've been shattered
blood in my hands
blood and tears all over my face
my eyes are swollen and bruised
from being punched in my face
but yet i crawl over to the stream
and crawl my way in to the salty waters
i let out a short scream
as the salt from the water enters my skin
burns my eyes
and yet it cleanses the skin
i am week but yet i stay strong
i pull out my sword
and clean off the dirt and blood that has soaked in
after i cleanse my skin i fall to the ground
and try to regain my strength again
i have learnd in this life
i can't trust anyone but myself
the only thing that keeps me strong is my faith
so now i am on a one mans journey
i'm going to become the spiritual warrior i'm ment to be
so i hold my sword up to the stars and the moon and look up to the dead of the night
and say

"my lady and lord
gods and goddess of the heavens above
i now ask of u to heal my body and soul
heal me of my wounded heart not of my love
but of the wounds of the past that have caused me so much fear and sadness.
i ask you to please take my wounds and fears away
and take away my tears and make me strong again...
I will now devote myself as a spiritual warrior to you and ask you to give me strength so i can protect and provide for this beautiful family of mine... i now only devote my life to you & my love Jacquie and her family and may this family be strong together and let nothing break this bond we share.... but with you i will remain strong. let me see the light in this darkness show me the way towards the peace and light... let this change begin tonight and show me what i'm ment to do. so i will fullfill my destined path for you...."

so mote it be
amen

it is the begining of a change
the begining of my spiritual journey has now begun
let me not fail now
but succed

a place called home

my soul is shattered
ripped apart and torn...
i have been lied to
i have been raped
i have been used and abused..
but yet they still attack
with words or fists...
don't people have any heart ?
i have given up
and my body and soul is yet torn once again...
im done
the only thing left is my heart
and i hold it close
because the only one that deserves it
is quite a distance away
but now i will proudly travel the distance that needs to be traveled
and give her the key
shes the only one that deserves this .
so I'm going to proudly hand over the key
and slowly heal myself again.....
only this time I'm not going to worry about whats going to be given in return
for now i am a wounded solder heading home ......
this is where my heart belongs
a place called home..

something that makes u think

SLOW DANCE



Have you ever watched kids



On a merry-go-round?



Or listened to the rain



Slapping on the ground?



Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?



Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?



You better slow down.



Don't dance so fast.



Time is short.



The music won't last.



Do you run through each day



On the fly?


When you ask How are you?



Do you hear the reply?



When the day is done



Do you lie in your bed



With the next hundred chores



Running through your head?



You'd better slow down


Don't dance so fast.



Time is short.



The music won't last.



Ever told your child,



We'll do it tomorrow?



And in your haste,



Not see his sorrow?



Ever lost touch,



Let a good
friendship die



Cause you never had time



To call
and say,'Hi'



You'd better slow down.



Don't dance
so fast.



Time is short.



The music won't
last.



When you run so fast to get somewhere



You
miss half the fun of getting there.



When you worry and hurry
through your day,



It is like an unopened
gift....



Thrown away.



Life is not a
race.


Do take it slower



Hear the
music



Before the song is over.


Unknown

part 2

today i have cryed many many tears
but im over them now
i am safe for now
soon i will have to find anouther place to go
but for now i am safe
whare i will go i havn't a clue
but in time i will see
i have to be strong
these kids may not be my own
but i have to prove to them i can survive anything
so they to can survive anything too
right now i am numb
because my body is in pain
but mentally im being strong
because i know in my heart my friends
are now my family too...

no longer the victom but the survivor

yes i am and have been a victom of vilonce
most of my entire life
ive been beetin
manipulated
lied to
emotionaly destroyed
yet i stand today with bruises on my face
and view the things my family has destroyed
all my memorys now gone and distroyed
all these years i have been asking myself why i cant remember
the things that happend to me during my childhood
did i have one at all
its now plain to see
i never really had one
i could never be me
but the point is dispite how angry i am i must move on
they are not worth my tears
the courts will judge them for me
its time to move on
and be a survivor
and no longer a victom to anything anymore

Its sad but true

dear family
i no longer have any sympathy for you.
you have hurt me with your lies
you have hurt me with your lack of honesty and truth
you have hurt me with your hands and feet
i have bruises thanks to you
in your eyes I'm heartless
but in others i am all heart
what you lack to see
is someone who's been nothing but good to you
you are only repeating what your own family's have done to you
and I'm not going to play this game with you
you can hit me all you want
but i am to numb to give a dam
you can lie to me all you want
because i don't expect truth from you at all
you can play your sick little games
but i will not follow your stupid rules anymore
I'm not who you want
and never will be anything u ever wanted
if any two people were fucking dumb enough to be parents
it would be you
because you have no heart
all you care about is you
I'm parting ways now
so this is goodbye to you
you don't deserve someone like me anyway
because i am my own person
and i don't play by any ones dumb little rules
especially when its not a fun little game
only a heartless selfish loveless pity
for idiots like you....
so goodbye to you
i wont cry a tear
because there are other people out there
that don't think anything of you
but think the world of your daughter
who you could care nothing about at all....
I found love
but it was never threw you
as you don't know how to love at all....
so goodbye to you....
and on to the new life of mine without you...

my life in short. i wrote this in 98 shortly before my foster mother died..

goodbye meaghan hello akasha rose

there once was a girl named meaghan
who always felt scared and alone
she was mostly in her own little world
as she was so medicated she doesn't honistly remember a thing
the first 13 years might as well have not been of exsistance
she doesnt remembr a thing
several photos of her childhood is in a book
but what she recalls and what her family tells
are but 2 very diffrent things
most of meaghans life you see seemed foged or dazed
she had seizures and was very medicated
but when she cryed she might as well had not existed
nobody listioned
when she was happy nobody cared
when she was angry or upset she was told to go away
so one day she ran away
far away from home..
then one day she met a new friend
who invited her into her home
at first she didnt trust them
she was hesitant to belive what this woman had to say
but with much persistance meaghan followed her into her home and stayed
meaghan hadnt eatin for days
but wouldnt eat because she was very much afraid
but still this woman persisted
and meaghan gave in one day
the woman sayd that child is like a rose hidden still in its leaves
waiting to come out but to scared to
so the thorns protect her
when she blooms she will be something special you'll see
so time went by
meaghan was no longer scared
she was no longer afraid
she had her new family now Akasha Rose was now born
meaghan my dear i have given you your new name the woman sayd
meaghan asked what is that
Akasha Rose my dear
why is that mother?
because your are heavins little rose my dear
you have truly changed you're becoming strong your becoming wise
dispite your pain
you still have a pure heart
Meaghan doesnt fit who you've become
your my little rose.
so through the years this became her name
though meaghan still exsists in a physical sence that is....
but legaly that name is gone
in her mind shes long forgotin
shes blossemed into the woman this woman taught her to be
and now shes told her story to you at this time the brave woman with a heart of gold
is now a woman named Akasha Rose.


oh and just a note this woman was my foster mother just so you know....

souls on fire

My body is awakening so full of heat,
Longing for the time our lips will finally meet,
Awakening passions inviting you in,
Oh my God,wanting you has became my biggest sin,
I cannot stop this hot burning
running wild through my veins,
The urgent need to take you is driving me insane,
My nipples harden , my thighs are on fire,
Longing and yearning filled with desire,
To feel you upon me to have you moving your hands all around me,
Would have me moaning lost in ecstasy,
To feel your teeth biting into my skin,
Would make me feel so weak as i breathe harder the more u touch my skin,
The two of us moving together with one common desire,
To ignite the passion to set our souls on fire.....


Unknown

let love begin

Let Love Begin
Take my hand and lead the way;
Tell me all you want to say...
Whisper softly in my ear
all those things i want to hear..
.Kiss my lips and touch my skin;
Bring out passions deep within...
Pull me close and hold me near;
Take away my pain and fear...
In the darkness of the night,
be my beacon, shine your light...
In the brightness of the sun,
Show me that you are the one...
Give me wings so i can fly;
for I can soar when your nearby...
Enter my heart, break down the wall,
its time for me to watch it fall...
I've been a prisoner, can't you see?
Break my chains and set me free...
Strip me of my armor tight;
You'll find I won't put up a fight...
Release my soul held deep within...
I'm Ready now, let love begin.

Unknown

anouther poem i just wrote for jackie

have i told you lately that i love you
have i told you how you mean the world to me
you are my strength when i am week
you are my wisdom when i can no longer think
when i can no longer see which direction im going
you somehow clear the bath and lead me in the right direction
i didn't belive i was every worthy of love
as my family never really cared
yet you have healed my heart and truly shown me
what love is
and im learning from you
each and every day
you have made me who i am
and you always have the key to my heart
as your the only one who truly completes me
you are my everything
and i will always love you...

new poem... i wrote this last night

if i had wings
id fly acorss the sky
just to be with you
hold you in my arms
and never let go

i'd sail across the sea
just to stand next to you
and have you dance next to me
as the waves from the sea
crash into our feet
and then sit next to you
and watch the sunset
and have dinner with you
under the stars

i'd hike up these tall mountians
just to see you there and watch the sun go down
with you being there
to guide me down these tall mountians
I'd feel safe with you as my guide

i'd walk a thousand miles to stand by your side
i wouldnt care what the fight was over
but if it was something you really belived in
i would stand beside you and suport you all the way

but thats just the begining
of what i would do for you
and just how much i do love you....

akasha rose

some stuff i wrote back in 99

wild with desire
my heart starts to run like the wind
i begin to bend my knees
and lean down beside you
as i kiss you ever so gently
and hold you next to me
but i notice you staring deeply into my eyes
for they are the windows to my soul
look deep inside and you'll see
just how much i love you
isn't it obvious
how deep my heart goes
i can't help myself
but what can i do
I'm hopelessly in love with you...



to the one my heart belongs
I've waited so long
for our arms to embrace
hold each other close
and gently kiss each other
while we hold each other so
our fingers gently go
through each others hair
as our kiss gets much more intense
and then we guide our fingers
down our backs
and let our love for each other
take total control
and flow with ease
this is one type of love
we can't just throw back into the sea
it's something we must keep and let grow
as its something so primal
so everlasting
so natural
so real
what it is
is real love.

Circle Of Light

I've seen the crazyist thing
a circle of light
it's like a maze
it spins round and round
the blue yellow and white
are spinning all around me
its like i was in a daze
and the world was spinning
but it's not what you think
my sixth sence has woken up
once more
it's just cleaning
the bad energy out of my soul
to some i may apear odd for letting them go
but if i don't i'll never truly know
what's to become of me
i've given everything up
i'm starting over again
some people may never know
who or what lays within this soul of mine
but only those that have taken the time
will really know
the real side of me
others wish to know...

Akasha Rose

my goals for the new year

1 To Truely Understand What Love Really Is! In All Shapes And Forms.

2. To Finally Feel Like I Have A Purpose Here ...Perhaps Learn To Be A Better Mentor Towrds People...

3. I'm Going Back To School. Maybe Not To Get A Degree But To Get Certified In Something Usefull..

4. To Travel Someware And Just Sit On A Beach And Enjoy Life..

5. To Get My Home Buisness To Take Off..

6. To Always Have People In My Life That Think The world Of Me & That Make Me Happy To Simply Be Around Them..


7. To Be A Positive Roll Model To My Nephew John

8. To Always Remind That Special Someone In My Life How Much I Love Her :)

9. To Finally Get The Surgury Done that I've Been Putting Off For Years... ( i'll do this one last thank you lol)


10. To Always Think Positive And Stay Focused On My Goals & Dreams

The Brutal Truth.....

Sometimes I Think I'm Scared Of My Own Shadow. Truth Is I'm Just Scared Of Anything Anymore. I Think I'm Lost. I Feel Helpless. I Need A Friend A Mentor . Someone Who Can Remind Me Or Help Me See Something Positive About Myself So I Can See The Light Again.. And Push Me In The Direction I Need To Go.. Can U Help Me?

Life!

Life Lessons By Regina Brett, columnist

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Don't take yourself so seriously.
No one else does.
You don't have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
It's OK to let children see you cry.
Don't compare your life to others'.
You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
But don't worry; God never blinks.
Life is too short for long pity parties.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don't take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion.
Today is special.Over prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words:
"In five years, will this matter?"
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone for everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.
Stay in touch.Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is,
not because of anything you did or didn't do.
Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
All children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
If you don't ask, you don't get.
Yield.Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

my poem to jackie :)

every day, every moment i will love u with all my heart jackie
there will never be a day where i will change how i feel for you
there wont ever be a day whare i will not love you and everything you are
there will never be a day u wont know how much i belive in you
u mean the world to methere is not a worda qoutea poema story or song in this world that will tell u just how much i love u
just remember your not alone
whether it be physically or spiritualy
i will always be there
we need not to fear anything
just hold hands and stay strong
together we will get through anything
just hang on and remain strong
when we come together once again
i will be there for you until the very end
never doubt this magical bond we have
for we share something wonderful
a real love and friendship that will last a lifetime
and thats more than most people get in there life
so let us always cherish this
and remind ourselves just how lucky we truly are

something i wrote back in 96

Burned
As I stand by these stoned walls
I’m locked up with these cold metal chains
People all around me hollering and screaming
There’s two arrows holding my arms up right
These evil people had shot them into me
The bloods dripping on the ground beneath my feet
As someone stabs a black dagger into my heart
I’m bleeding and I scream in pain
Don’t let me die dear lord I beg of you please
But the blood continues to poor out and drip down to my feet
I slowly tilt my head forward and close my eyes and weep
They take these stakes and put them near my feet
Took the fire from the torch and lit the flames on my shirt
As I scream and burn away
I’m in even more pain now
Yet somehow I wont die once these people are gone
God will pore the rain down upon me
And heal my wounds from this earth and set me free of these chains
So I can go along with my journey
That’s all I need to say
I will travel on my friend
Someday…